Sometimes you just need a good cry. I’m fortunate to have a husband who knows me well enough to let me have that for a while…and then once I’ve gotten most of it out of my system takes me out for ice cream and makes me watch some comedies on television with him.
I wallowed in self pity for a while last night. Relived some painful memories. Questioned some choices I had made. Doubted my self-worth. The last two days sparked it all.
I love my job and I’m very thankful for it, but it isn’t without its challenges still. I’m very isolated most of the day from any other adults when I already have a hard time being social and making friends or even casual acquaintances. On top of that I’m still teaching regular government to some pretty tough kids to teach. Some are totally unmotivated, disrespectful, and all around royal assholes. (just being honest) I had one bad parent/team meeting after school where the parents took absolutely no accountability for their daughter’s utter lack of effort (at life…and school IMO) and tried to throw me under the bus in front of my colleagues. They were unhappy with my attempts to help their daughter…attempts that were only started because like an idiot I picked up the phone and called them to tell them how bad her grades were. Because I tried to help, they knew my name and knew someone they could blame. I hadn’t done enough. I guess you had to be there but for me it was an impossible situation and left me embarrassed (for no good reason I now recognize), demoralized, and royally pissed off.
Then Friday comes and compounded with Thursday’s chain of events I had had enough. Two students in my third period continued to speak to me like I’m some kind of asshole and I snapped. I lost my temper…which I haven’t done in years. I stood up to them but I demeaned myself in my eyes. Maybe that’s they only kind of communication they understand but I want to be better than that. I think they got my point (I’m not going to let them speak to me like I’m “some kind of punk anymore” as I put it.) I wrote them up and added a note for the admin that I was really at my breaking point with those two.
Had Thursday not gone the way it had, I would have handled things differently Friday, but que sera sera I suppose. So last night I came home and let all the pent up rage, doubt, and sadness out. I know I have so much to be thankful for and there are so many people with much harder situations to face. But like I said, sometimes I think you have to let yourself feel what you feel. At least until the ice cream arrives.